Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A View FromThe Non-Alpha Male

Alpha Mom?

I hope the link works. You have to read the article before my commentary.....


Did you read it?

Ok this appeared in our little local newspaper, which, is not the NY Times or the Portland Oregonian. It does a pretty good job of giving us the news.

But this article just rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons...... I have to wonder if the guy who wrote it realizes how totally ridiculous it is. My first reaction to was just one of world weary sighs. Then I launched into my usual hyperbole.
A type people bother me anyway and then we have to read about them too....so naturally after reading about this woman's lifestyle (I feel sorry for her friends that the guy interviewed) The best action I could come up with was to go puke on her front porch.

Then I thought about it....I would first have to find out where she lives, then I would have to figure out when I would have time to do such a thing. (seems like a lot of work) Then I would have to figure out a mode of transportation, (take the bike and put the kids in the Burley...oh ya then I would have the kids with me. That would slow down the escape. Or drive the car, I could put the old California plates on the Vanagon) With the kids along I would have to plan to go to the park and bring snacks. Of course if I were to puke I would have to have a recently full stomach and I would be in need of food afterward. If I have the kids we will have have snacks and possibly go to a cafe near the park.

No, puking on her porch is way too much work; I suppose if I were an Alpha parent I might be able to pull it off and even have time to play the wii (whatever that is) afterward, while giving the chef and maid the week off. But I am just a low achiever with no real shopping goals or marketing directions.

Maybe I will just blog about it.


alpha mom said...

Hey Wayne,
sigh. I just read your post. I wish you had bothered to look me up and ride yourself and your Burley over to our humble abode to barf on the porch. I think you would have been as confused as I was when I read that article.
You would have pulled up to our pretty humble home and likey seen me and my two kids in OUR Burley and thought "hey, where's the mansion? For that matter where's the porch? This is more like a stoop. Why isn't there a luxery vehicle here instead of this old Suburu? Where do the staff park since there is no garage or driveway?...Hey wait a minute there is no staff! this woman is covered in food from making her own family meals, and her house is the usual mess when one has two small kids and works and has no Housekeeper---and wait--she does her own gardening? WHAAAT? Hold on---she's just a regular working mom without pretensions posessing an actual a sense of humor? Could it be that our beloved RG mislead us by sticking some vaguely researched (on the web???) marketing nonsense into an article? But it's in Black and white! Oh wait...they did write that stuff about Wii's (?? i have no idea either) and chefs and maids in little boxes not really in the article...maybe it's space filler. Oh my gosh! Now that I look more closely her whole outfit was bought at Target! And she's 41...she looks like someone I know...someone I might even like. Dammit! I was loving hating her. I was going to bring it up at dinner with the Hendersons. Ick! How could this be? I can relate to this person who reads blogs...like mine...and wears a mouthful of metal braces, and thinks a good time is throwing an 80's party so she can dig around in Value Village (and the back of her tiny-not walk-inable closet)for the most queer outfit because she likes being a dork.

Sigh. I know there's a lot of Waynes out there. I'd be a Wayne too if I read that without knowing me. Hell, I take it out on Angelina Jolie---who does she think she is anyway? "Angelina"! ha ... does she think she's an angel? Why would she call herself that...
Now SHE's gotta have a personal trainer. Dontcha think? Me? I just run in Amazon if I can get 20 minutes...and that's a big if....

But go ahead and puke away. I clean up everybody elses puke at this house. I haven't found a "personal puke picker upper" in the yellow pages yet. But I'll get on that as soon as I can get my ridiculously friendly pooch to start scaring people of the teeny tiny patch of grass and stop adding her own gifts to pick up.
What is the deal with everybody being so quick to judge?

Yours most sincerely,
Constance Van Flandern
alpha mom
(please pronounce SLOWLY with tongue IN the cheek)

alpha mom said...

Hey this is a pretty sweet blog. Good job.
and thanks for the pity shout out for my friends...believe me, I feel sorry for them too. They are good souls to stick it out with me.


Wayne said...

It is not unusual for me to be completely speechless. I wanted to say that I am not rude enough to actually do such a thing but I did think it and "I" wrote about it.

If I did look you up at this point I know It would not be to puke on your porch.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Beat Dad said...

Probably, no one is going to read this....but she definitely ranks up there in my mind with the other moms I know who are great. Not only that but throws a great kids party. Complete with food, tea, mud puddles, super hero costumes and kids toys all over the back porch. I bow to you.