Sunday, June 01, 2008

I'll knock on wood

I am probably really inviting disaster with this post.....

I was busily moping about under our gray skies, a few minutes ago, when I thought about the amount of time I have spent being depressed verses actual tragedies I have experienced. I have had nothing catastrophic enough in my life to, I feel, to warrant the amount of sadness I have had. I think about the typhoon in Myanmar or, the people on the bridge in New Orleans. I think of my friend who is in mourning of her fathers recent death. These people deserve to feel hopeless, sad, in the pit of suffering.

It boggles my mind that I even had depression as a teen. OK, maybe my sadness was warranted I was, hopelessly shy, a magnet for bullies and even my attempts at being cool, and above the popular kids did not serve to lessen my pain. Now, I am truly above such things...yes?

To compound the sadness, I had a bit of guilt thrown in. I was not supposed to be sad. I was born into the one true Church.... I must have done something wrong. I realize that this is simplistic thinking but the message I remember getting was that, the truth made you happy.

When I was a kid, coming home from a bad day of school, I would put a Bauhaus tape into my stereo and listen to it loud. Loud dark music does not pull me out of a lull anymore. Neither does wishing something really awful would happen so, I could feel better about sadness.

3 comments:

ScottyDoo said...

I know exactly how you feel (atleast I think I do, heh). I have been depressed for years, but there really isn't much reason. My wife always says "seriously, what is so bad in your life that you deserve to punish yourself like this?".

I don't have a good answer for that. I just haven't figured out how to "snap out of it" or "wake up".

Beat Dad said...

The cure for my depression often varies. Sometimes, I can meditate or eat a good (good meaning healty) meal. Other times I need a good hike or a bike ride.

Usually, it is the exercise that cures the deep ones; And sun of course.

Randy said...

I pop 450 mg of Wellbutrin every morning, sit under a lamp, exercise, do therapy, and sit zazen to deal with my depression. My depression has multiple causes--reaction to kids' brain disorders, old self-loathing as to various aspects of self, and guilt all come to mind.